What’s wet, squirmy and fury all over? If you can’t get this one, you need to review elementary school humor. The answer is a puppy who doesn’t really want a bath. The back ground of this joke starts with two Saturdays ago. I had agreed to do a scary movie night with Andrew and some friends. I really hate scary movies. I just get so freaked out by them afterwards. My imagination just takes it and runs with it. But somehow Andrew likes them. He’s been bummed because ever since we started dating that he hasn’t seen a scary movie. I consented to watch The Grudge with him and ended up staring at the pop corn the entire time. I still got bits of the show, at least enough to scare me. That night I couldn’t sleep. At about 2:30 in the morning I woke from a nightmare that the grudge girl was coming after me and that noise she makes was getting louder and louder. As soon as I woke up I realized that the noise I had heard in my dream was Andrew snoring with his congested nose. As punishment I made him walk me to the bathroom. There was no hope for sleep after that. The rest of the evening was spent watching The Importance of Being Ernest and Skyping with my mom about Cambodia. I finally got back to sleep around five or six. Andrew didn’t have to go back to school till Tuesday due to Martian Luther king day, so I was fine till then. But after I dropped Andrew off at school I didn’t want to go home. I went and worked out till eleven then had nothing else to do. I didn’t want to go home and be alone because I would easily get spooked and have an awful rest of the day. So as I was driving home I turned toward the nature park and went to the animal shelter. I had gone there once the week before and played with the puppies. They had about fifteen with more on the way. They were so cute and playful! But they smelled like poop. When I got there on Tuesday I asked if I could take a dog for a walk. I took this really smart lab named Jr. and when I got back I still didn’t want to go home. So I asked if it would be ok if I gave the puppies a bath. They told me that I’d be their best friend if I’d wash up the puppies. Wow! Lots of work! Some dogs didn’t care about getting a bath and just stood there while I washed them. Others went crazy! They jumped and wiggled so much that I got wetter than they did! It took forever! The younger ones were covered in poop and pee because they don’t know how to handle their bladder yet. When I started to rinse them off, the water that flowed off of them was yellow. Yuck! One of the younger ones got so frightened by the sound of the bath tub she peed on me. By the time I finished all the puppies were fluffy and clean (unlike me) and I felt good. I was glad that I could make a difference even though it was small and would have to be re done a few days later. It took all afternoon and I was a half an hour late in picking up Andrew. When I got to him I ran up to give him a hug, but he said that I stunk and to wait till I changed to hug him. Lol no, puppy pee will never make it as a perfume.
I went back again the next day so I could clip the puppies over grown toe nails but this time I took back up! I convinced a friend of mine to come along with me and I was so glad that I did! Some of those puppies did not like us messing with their feet. It took one person to hold the pup while the other person tried to clip the nail without hurting it. Again it took all day but my friend and I had so much fun! With ever puppy my friend held, she asked it if she took it home would it hold still and pretend to be a stuffed animal when her manager came around for clean checks. Lol! A growing stuffed animal, it’s a better idea than chia pets! We were almost finished when I got a text from Andrew saying that he needed to stay late and finish some homework. He said he’d be finished around five. It was almost three so I still had time to burn. Allison (my friend that I brought) and I asked if we could borrow two puppies and snuggle with them as we watched a movie. I think if anyone one else asked, they would have said no. But since I’d been spending so much time there they knew me and said that it would be fine. We were so excited! We wrapped the two puppies in towels, put together a crate for them and dashed off to Allison’s apartment. When we walked in one of her roommates came out to see who had come home. She saw the puppies and gasped in shock or excitement and dropped everything she was holding. The three of us proceeded to play with the puppies and tried and keep them from destroying the living room of the apartment. “Dipstick” had a taste for TV cords, shoes, car keys, socks, feet…. Really anything that was on the floor that would semi fit in his mouth.”Bear” on the other hand really just wanted to chew on Dipstick. So together they rolled around on the chewing and crashing into everything. Suddenly, Dipstick lunged at the TV cords, opened mouthed and ready to eat the cords like spaghetti. Thinking fast Allison grabbed another toy to get Dipstick interested in and dove to protect the TV cords. It was a great idea in theory, but as she dove she slid into the cords unplugging a lot of them. The TV went blank and Dipstick was off eating something else. BA! It took Allison about ten minutes to get everything in where it was meant to go. Finally we got to the movie and the puppies fell fast asleep. Half way through they woke up. Puppies are like most humans when they wake up. They either want food or to pee right away. I should have thought this through a bit better and brought leashes so that we could take them outside to use the restroom. Still not thinking we set them down because they were getting too wiggly to snuggle with. Two seconds later they both squatted and went pee. AH! It was chaos! I ran to get a towel, Allison ran to pick them up to go outside, and the other roommate ran to get carpet cleaner. All they had was Windex, so we drenched the carpet with glass cleaner. The movie was all but finished so we thought it best to take them back to the shelter before they decided to go number two on the carpet. Ha ha what a day! Next time we borrow puppies I will be sure to be better prepared.
Sunbeams this week went very well. They are getting better at sitting through singing time and as long as they have animal crackers they will sit through a short lesson. One of the younger girls needed to go to the bathroom. On our way I started to panic. I can handle it with puppies, but kids are a whole different story. I would vomit for sure. There was no other woman around that I could pawn the kid off on. The week before that one of the girls sneezed all the buggers out of her nose onto her face and I was seconds away from losing my lunch when the bishop’s wife swooped in and saved me. She took the girl to the bathroom and washed her up returning her sparkly and clean. I think she earned her spot in heaven that day. This week though, there was no one to save me. I walked into the bathroom with the girl, stopped by a stall and told the girl to “go for it.” She just looked at me. “Suck. I’m really going to have to do this.” I thought disgustedly. I went in to the stall praying that she would just have to pee. She sat there for a second with this look of deepest concentration on her face then she let out the worst gas I have ever smelled. I had no idea something that vile smelling could come out of a little human girl. I nearly dropped her in the toilet as I tried to cover my nose. To my great relief all she had to do was stinker and she was done. I handed her some toilet paper. She wiped then tried to hand it back to me! Good grief! Had this girl ever gone to the toilet alone?! I told her to put it back in the toilet. There was no way in heck that I was going to touch that! It was at this point that I realized that Miss. Hannigan off Annie wasn’t crazy or evil; she was just trying to cope.
We were teaching the girls (we have three 3yr olds, and two 4yr old girls, no boys) about Heavenly Fathers plan for us. It was a super deep subject for kids that young but somehow we got through it. Then as they were coloring pictures that had to do with the lesson one of the girls randomly blurts out, “I heard an owl in my parent’s room last night.” She kept talking about this owl and I was sitting there trying not to bust up laughing. At first Andrew didn’t get it, then he saw my face and put together what else could sound like and owl in her parents room at night. HA HA HA!!!!! Oh that right there made the rest of my day!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Sandpaper
So as I sat down to write this, I heard a random grunting noise and saw my husband’s feet flying past my face. This didn’t make any since to me, since we were working on our laptops side by side at Andrew’s homework desk. It turned out that he was leaning back on his chair (you know the way we always tell little kids not to do because they’ll fall and crack their skull) and he thought that his knee would catch on the desk and stop him from falling backward to his doom. Unfortunately he largely over estimated the catchablitiy of his knee. As he was falling to the floor he twisted around and put out his hands to stop himself (thus the grunting noise I heard) and though he was able to stop his upper body from crashing to the floor his lower body kept going (and we have his feet flying past my head). All in all, he somehow didn’t die and landed upright in his chair with me trying to get a breath in between my laughs.
Andrew and I have had so much fun over this Christmas break. Since the last break we had from school he started playing Diablo II with some of his friends from back in FL. I thought that it was good that he kept in touch with his friends from home but after a while I became jealous of this stupid game and how much time he was taking in “keeping in touch” with his friends. At the end of the break I warned him that if he spent that much of his time over Christmas break playing that game that I would crash his computer (I can wreck any form of electronic just by touching it, it’s a gift I guess…) He knew that I would hold true to the warning and he and I have found more crazy adventures to go on this break than I thought possible! It’s been so much fun! Like the other day I was getting stuff for the salon in my distributor store and I saw that they had a Tan Towel gift set that included the Tan Towel Original, the Tan Towel Exfoliator , and the Instant Tan Spray. My mother in-law had introduced me to the Tan Towel Original while I was in FL and I saw really good results with them. I would just rub this towelette on my skin and it was tan! Not orange but tan. I bought the gift set and figured Andrew and I could try it the next day. We have both lost all pigment in our skin due to the below freezing weather and lack of time to hit up a tanning bed. The next day I skimmed the step by step instructions and went to work. First was the exfoliator. We were supposed to rub this towelette all over the areas we wanted tanned to remove the top layer of skin so that the tan would sink in better. I went first. This towelette was like grade 8 sandpaper! I think I was rubbing a little too hard because some parts of me arms looked as if I had been a scratching post for cats. Then I helped Andrew. I think I rubbed a little too hard on him too because he started screaming and jumping away from me. By the end of the exfoliation we found that the instructions said gently rub skin with towelette, not grind away till you see bone. Andrew was pretty bitter at me for missing that minor detail. Next was the Tan Towel Original. We were to rub this towelette on our skin in circular motions to insure an even tan. I went first again and this towelette felt much nicer than the last one, although it did smell vaguely of beef jerky. Andrew handled this better too and it put us both in the mood for steaks. And last was the Instant Tan Spray. I had gotten bored with reading instructions by this point so I just went at it. I started squirting this stuff all over my body and to my horror I looked as though an angry Chinese food place had attacked me with soy sauce! I franticly rubbed it in and found that I was no longer white but a beach body bronze. WOW! It was amazing! I squirted Andrew down and I hardly recognized him. It was beautiful what this stuff did to our skin! Then I looked down at my hands… In hindsight I should have washed my hands between the Tan Towel I had used on myself, the one I’d used on Andrew, the spray I had used on myself, and the spray that I’d used on Andrew. My hands were now three times as tan at the rest of my body! BA! I scrubbed for twenty minutes and finally got my hands to match the rest of my body. But holy cow were we tan and so in the mood for some red meat!
A few days later Rexburg was hit with a freak snow storm. We had at least six inches of new heavy wet snow in our driveway. There was no way were going to be able to get Toothless (our car) out. We were snowed in or snowed under, take your pick. Our neighbor who normally plows us out in times like these was out of town. So Andrew called them and asked if he could borrow their four-wheeler with the plow attached to the front to clear out our driveway. They said yes and Christmas started all over for that man. He jumped on and went to work clearing out the neighbor’s driveway so that they could get in when they came home. I grabbed a snow shovel and shoveled off their walk way. By the time I was done with that I was ready to be finished with the shovel for a long time. Another neighbor was storing my dad’s tractor in their barn. Not to brag, but I’m amazing on that thing. I’d have our driveway cleaned out in no time flat. I called up my neighbor and had Andrew drive me over on the four wheeler. For some reason when we got to their house my neighbors didn’t think that I could handle such a heavy duty piece of equipment and wanted to clear the driveway out themselves. I was in shock. This offer would have been nice if I was an idiot city girl who didn’t know how to maneuver a tractor. But I’m freaking pro on this thing and really wanted to have fun moving the snow around. I assured them that I knew what I was doing and with much reluctance they let me leave on the tractor. Not after they told me a million times that if I had any problems to call them. I just had to smile, they had no idea how much time logged on this thing. I knew it better than they could despite being a girl. And I was off! I scraped out the driveway so clean and fast that I was sad that there wasn’t more to do. Andrew and I had a muscle contest with the four wheeler and the tractor. He started way back on the road and revved his engine, then shot forward ramming a pile of snow and shoved it into the snow bank. Then I started at the same spot. I lowered the front loader and charged a pile of snow. I shoved it clear up to the snow bank, lifted up the snow bank and moved the whole thing about three feet and dropped it. I think we both agreed that I won. It was such a fun day!
Andrew and I have had so much fun over this Christmas break. Since the last break we had from school he started playing Diablo II with some of his friends from back in FL. I thought that it was good that he kept in touch with his friends from home but after a while I became jealous of this stupid game and how much time he was taking in “keeping in touch” with his friends. At the end of the break I warned him that if he spent that much of his time over Christmas break playing that game that I would crash his computer (I can wreck any form of electronic just by touching it, it’s a gift I guess…) He knew that I would hold true to the warning and he and I have found more crazy adventures to go on this break than I thought possible! It’s been so much fun! Like the other day I was getting stuff for the salon in my distributor store and I saw that they had a Tan Towel gift set that included the Tan Towel Original, the Tan Towel Exfoliator , and the Instant Tan Spray. My mother in-law had introduced me to the Tan Towel Original while I was in FL and I saw really good results with them. I would just rub this towelette on my skin and it was tan! Not orange but tan. I bought the gift set and figured Andrew and I could try it the next day. We have both lost all pigment in our skin due to the below freezing weather and lack of time to hit up a tanning bed. The next day I skimmed the step by step instructions and went to work. First was the exfoliator. We were supposed to rub this towelette all over the areas we wanted tanned to remove the top layer of skin so that the tan would sink in better. I went first. This towelette was like grade 8 sandpaper! I think I was rubbing a little too hard because some parts of me arms looked as if I had been a scratching post for cats. Then I helped Andrew. I think I rubbed a little too hard on him too because he started screaming and jumping away from me. By the end of the exfoliation we found that the instructions said gently rub skin with towelette, not grind away till you see bone. Andrew was pretty bitter at me for missing that minor detail. Next was the Tan Towel Original. We were to rub this towelette on our skin in circular motions to insure an even tan. I went first again and this towelette felt much nicer than the last one, although it did smell vaguely of beef jerky. Andrew handled this better too and it put us both in the mood for steaks. And last was the Instant Tan Spray. I had gotten bored with reading instructions by this point so I just went at it. I started squirting this stuff all over my body and to my horror I looked as though an angry Chinese food place had attacked me with soy sauce! I franticly rubbed it in and found that I was no longer white but a beach body bronze. WOW! It was amazing! I squirted Andrew down and I hardly recognized him. It was beautiful what this stuff did to our skin! Then I looked down at my hands… In hindsight I should have washed my hands between the Tan Towel I had used on myself, the one I’d used on Andrew, the spray I had used on myself, and the spray that I’d used on Andrew. My hands were now three times as tan at the rest of my body! BA! I scrubbed for twenty minutes and finally got my hands to match the rest of my body. But holy cow were we tan and so in the mood for some red meat!
A few days later Rexburg was hit with a freak snow storm. We had at least six inches of new heavy wet snow in our driveway. There was no way were going to be able to get Toothless (our car) out. We were snowed in or snowed under, take your pick. Our neighbor who normally plows us out in times like these was out of town. So Andrew called them and asked if he could borrow their four-wheeler with the plow attached to the front to clear out our driveway. They said yes and Christmas started all over for that man. He jumped on and went to work clearing out the neighbor’s driveway so that they could get in when they came home. I grabbed a snow shovel and shoveled off their walk way. By the time I was done with that I was ready to be finished with the shovel for a long time. Another neighbor was storing my dad’s tractor in their barn. Not to brag, but I’m amazing on that thing. I’d have our driveway cleaned out in no time flat. I called up my neighbor and had Andrew drive me over on the four wheeler. For some reason when we got to their house my neighbors didn’t think that I could handle such a heavy duty piece of equipment and wanted to clear the driveway out themselves. I was in shock. This offer would have been nice if I was an idiot city girl who didn’t know how to maneuver a tractor. But I’m freaking pro on this thing and really wanted to have fun moving the snow around. I assured them that I knew what I was doing and with much reluctance they let me leave on the tractor. Not after they told me a million times that if I had any problems to call them. I just had to smile, they had no idea how much time logged on this thing. I knew it better than they could despite being a girl. And I was off! I scraped out the driveway so clean and fast that I was sad that there wasn’t more to do. Andrew and I had a muscle contest with the four wheeler and the tractor. He started way back on the road and revved his engine, then shot forward ramming a pile of snow and shoved it into the snow bank. Then I started at the same spot. I lowered the front loader and charged a pile of snow. I shoved it clear up to the snow bank, lifted up the snow bank and moved the whole thing about three feet and dropped it. I think we both agreed that I won. It was such a fun day!
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